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COMMENTARY: Dear Santa, Please bring me a Fiscal Cliff and a Tickle Me Petraeus

By   /   November 27, 2012  /   1 Comment

By M.D. Kittle / Wisconsin Reporter

Move over Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Star Doll. Step aside Furby and Wii U.

Make room for this post-election season’s hottest toys, crafted straight out of one of the oddest years in American politics. Your political kids will go gaga over these lovable dolls, dashing action figures and exhilarating table games.

1) Fiscal Cliff – Hang on tight! This former Navy SEAL hellbent on destruction will take you to the brink of economic ruin. Look out partisan Congress! Fiscal Cliff’s coming to get you with his Karate Chop action and Double-Dip Recession grip. You won’t escape the expiration of Bush-era tax cuts and draconian spending cuts in this perfect storm of political brinksmanship.

2) Obama’s Magic Dreamland – Enter an enchanted world of rainbows, unicorns and endless federal spending without consequences. In Obama’s Magic Dreamland, there is no crippling national debt, just lots and lots of mystical stimulus money that grows in Federal Forest, where you, the voter, are entitled to every public program coming to you.

3) Angry Big Bird – The survival of Sesame Street is at stake. PBS’ ambassador of goodwill, that giant, loveable yellow bird, gets all up in Mitt Romney’s Bidness, dishing out revenge on the Republican presidential candidate who threatened to cut federal funding to public broadcasting.

4) Doc Akin – Your aspiring little physician will have hours of fun learning the healing powers from Doc Todd Akin. The good doctor may have failed in his bid for Missouri’s U.S. Senate seat, but this charming doll is an expert on female anatomy, and knows what constitutes “legitimate rape.” And old doc puts it all in his good-natured, homespun way. *Batteries for Foot in Mouth Action not included.

Former CIA Director David Petraeus seems tickled in this photo.

5) Tickle Me Petraeus – Speaking of the female anatomy, Tickle Me Petraeus knows his way around. You’ll giggle at the funny antics of this iconic four-star general and disgraced CIA director as he gets caught in some ticklish extramarital situations between lover and biographer Paula Broadwell and Tampa socialite Jill Kelley. Who’s going to get the next bit of classified information? You’ll be tickled to find out. Collect the whole set, including Tickle Me Afghanistan war commander Gen. John Allen, and Tickle Me Shirtless FBI Guy.

6) Inappropriate Joe – What embarrassing thing will this loose cannon vice presidential doll with the loose tongue say next? Pull the string and find out. *Warning: Don’t pull string during presidential election campaign.

7) The Blame Game – Who knew what and when did they know it? You’ll unravel the mystery in this game of political finger-pointing. Let’s go back to the hours after the Sept. 11, 2012, attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya, less than two months before the presidential election. Who will you blame for this devastating assault? How about the Intelligence community? A “spontaneous” demonstration sparked by anger over an anti-Muslim video? Why not Hillary Clinton? But be careful. You might find yourself the subject of probes by the FBI and the State Department’s Accountability Review Board.

8) Bitter Mitt – Don’t go away, Mitt. Just go away. Not so fast Republicans. This bouncing RINO boomerang, with the painted-on face of a passive-aggressive smiling Mitt Romney, just keeps coming back. Press the button and hear Bitter Mitt complain about how he lost the election. “President Obama gave a lot of stuff to groups that they hoped they could get to vote for them, and be motivated to go out to the polls, specifically the African-American community, the Hispanic community, and young people,” Mitt says with a sneer as he comes back to remind Republicans of their biggest failure in four years. From the makers of Smug Chuck, the nearly life-like Chuck Schumer doll.

9) Operation Fast and Furious – Race your gun-running ride through a botched U.S. law enforcement sting in this off-the-hook new video game. Hold the U.S. attorney general in contempt of Congress, or hide behind bogus executive privilege claims. Either way, you’re in for the ride of your life.

10) Cuddly Harry – Your little one will rest gently next to the Cuddly Harry Reid doll. The Senate majority leader, known for his warm, kind, cuddly demeanor, will provide hours of snuggle-time fun.

Contact M.D. Kittle at mkittle@wisconsinreporter.com



  • Joana

    This was so well done. Got the facts and I am laughing while weeping at state of affairs. Thanks